So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
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He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
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Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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