I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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