I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
