i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
