My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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