Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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