Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
