Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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