i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
