Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
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Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
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I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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