I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
