Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
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Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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