Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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