Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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