The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
