i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
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The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
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It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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