So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
