3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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