Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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