And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
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Found your dick twin last night
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
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Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize