I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
