I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
