All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
