hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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