She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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