Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
