Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
