If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
