if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
