I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
