I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
