I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
