HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
