so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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