Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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