Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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