Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
