Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Randomize
