He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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