Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
