chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
