You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
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You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
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My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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