My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
