Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
