If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
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I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
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so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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