saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
