I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
