Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
