the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
