i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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