Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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