He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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