Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
