So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
