both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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