He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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